Life On The West Side

personalities

2012-02-12T21:07:00.000-08:00

the twins' personalities are starting to come out. and they totally make me laugh.

a couple of days ago, we were sitting around in the living room and i can't even remember what exactly sparked it (whatever it was, it was minor), but i think paul took something from baz and baz got this pouty look on his face and looked at the ground. i laughed because it was so dramatic. and he looked up after a few seconds, and then looked back down and i said "aw, he's totally faking!" but it continued . . . and continued.

and then i said, "maybe he's not faking..." and just about the time i thought for sure he was really kind of upset, his head snapped up and with a twinkle in his eye he grinned a huge baz grin and giggled. yeah, he totally fooled me. and paul, i think.

he's done this before too. always with a distinct air of humor, like he can't wait to see our faces when we get the joke. i guess he thinks it's funny to pull one over on people. maybe he will be a prankster? or an actor?

and tonight, we had french toast for dinner. paul put the syrup on their food over at the counter so they didn't see it. so of course, they wanted syrup. but once we said the prayer and everyone started eating he seemed to forget about his desire for syrup and started eating like everyone else. i think he forgot temporarily because i put some cinnamon apples on his plate. so after the apples were gone he went to eat the french toast and remembered i guess. and after a few minutes i looked over at him.

and he had his elbows up on the table and his hands sitting on his fist as he looked at the table rather forlornly. and i said "freddy, what's wrong?" and paul, having not forgotten about his desire for syrup said "he wants syrup probably." i probably wouldn't have thought of it myself. so he pushed the syrup my way, and sure enough as i picked it up and opened the top he got smiley...and then giggly.

now this may seem like the same thing, but there was a key difference. baz was faking it for a laugh. freddy was not faking it at all. he was really quite sad that he didn't get syrup apparently.

but both incidents made me laugh. these guys are funny . . . and trouble. i love watching their personalities emerge though. I'm having so much fun with twins. :)

2012-01-23T09:33:00.000-08:00

as i think about moving and the affects it has on everyone i've come to some conclusions:

it's always much harder on the leavEE (i know, not a word) than the leavER. the person who has made this decision to leave, be it a move or a visit away or something, has been mentally preparing for this. they decided to make changes and expect things to be different. the poor leavEE didn't make any such decision to make changes in their life and yet, they still must feel the consequences of a choice made by another.

so, let me just say this, as the leavER i've been planning this for quite some time. and though i've let everyone in on our plans for many months i know it's still different for my friends and family that i'm leaving behind. i'm getting ready for a new adventure and will be so busy getting settled in and exploring my new area and making new friends for awhile that it will probably take a little time to settle in that i've left so many of the people i love behind. i mean, i know that intellectually right now, but i will be too busy for a while to really feel it. at the same time i can hear the sad and hurt from the people i love as they tell me how hard it's going to be for them to see us go.

i want you, please, to know that though i'm not overly emotional, i do feel the same way you do. it's just a different process for me, on this side. i'm also very very grateful to know that i am loved and that we'll be missed. leaving the people i love here is really the only hard part of leaving for me. the only thing sadder than leaving is leaving and having no one to miss and no one who will miss you.

so, thank you for caring! thank you for making this just a little difficult to leave. :)

:)

2012-01-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

some things are too important to share only once

2012-01-18T18:42:00.000-08:00

I posted this on FB a few days ago. Sadly, it got no responses or even likes. We love the short, funny things that give us a giggle, but anything that takes more than a few minutes is just too much time. I myself, am really guilty of this. But this is far too important to ignore. Yes, it's kind of long, but it is about our future. About how evil is triumphing because good man are standing by, doing nothing. Please, make some time to watch this and sign the petition. We need to do everything in our power to stop the destruction of families.

unfortunately, i can't get the video to embed, so i just posted the site address. Please, please, watch it.

http://www.overruledmovie.com/

Happy Anniversary to my Eternal Companion

2012-01-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

happy 8th anniversary to my sweetheart!

yep, it's already been 8 years? how? when? it sure doesn't feel like it's been that long. and i take that as a good sign. they same time flies when you're having fun, and though it hasn't all been fun, i very strongly feel that our blessings have far outweighed our trials in the last 8 years together. there are so many reasons i love him, and today i am even more happy with my decision to marry him than i was 8 years ago. we have 4 beautiful children together and lots of great memories. when i think of my future i'm excited to see what will come about through the years. i'm excited to share new adventures and new experiences with him and our kids.

these are just a few of the reasons i love him:

he's wonderfully, amazingly supportive of anything and everything i do or want to do.

he loves me unconditionally and has never made me feel second to anything or anyone.

he's slow to anger and quick to forgive.

he's a very hard worker, but still knows how to balance work and family.

he makes me feel pretty. =)

he's a worthy priesthood holder who never hesitates to serve us and others.

he's a good friend and a great listener.

he's always willing to try something i like, just because i like it.

he's a good sport and enjoys friendly competition.

we work well together.

there's so many more. i wrote him a four-page letter with so many things in it, and as i sit here i'm thinking of so many i left out. the list is very very long and always growing.

i'm so glad i married the right man, at the right time, in the right place.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

2012 already? is it just me or did 2011 kind of fly by? the last three years since we've been in this house have kind of blurred together and things that happened 3 years ago feel like they just happened yesterday. but i'm grateful for the new year. it always brings a feeling of refreshment and renewal even though it's such a simple thing.

we're officially on our countdown to move, and now that the holidays are over i'm starting to get antsy. i think paul is as well. while there is still a lot of uncertainty and lingering questions, the promise of a new adventure and blessings is a strong motivator. i'm glad we have 4 or 5 more weeks to get packed and prepared, but i know the time will go by quickly.

while our circumstances haven't changed much, i'm super grateful that we haven't had to suffer through many of the things i've seen people around me going through. our finances are always a concern, but we haven't had to deal with much on top of that really. relatively speaking, we've had it easy i think, so i guess i'm grateful that i lack the spiritual strength to be tried by more than one major thing at a time. i've had a happy, healthy family, and all of our needs have always been met, and sometimes even our simple wants.

i can't wait to move on and share our new adventure with everyone. i don't know what's waiting for us up in oregon, but somehow i think it is about far, far more than just a job. wish us luck!

2011-12-26T19:48:00.000-08:00

growing up near both sets of grandparents, we had pretty set traditions for when and where we celebrated holidays. but christmas morning was always just us, the immediate family. and i loved growing up that way. i've kind of taken it for granted that it would be the same for my kids. i mean, i never expected to stay here in the central valley my whole life, but i hadn't really thought about what that meant in terms of holidays and specific things we'd be giving up or moving away from.

christmas this year has been really really great. it's been fun, we've had a lot of special teaching moments with the kids, i've felt the meaning of christmas more than any other year and things were relaxed and enjoyable. but last night, on the way home from my mom's i had a realization. this year will be the last year, at least for the foreseeable future, that we will be able to do christmas morning together as a family and still be within driving distance of family, especially parents.

and that made me a little sad.

we will either have our christmas morning as a family or christmas with extended family. we will no longer be able to have the blessing of both. and i will miss that. i will especially miss that for my kids.

but i'm grateful for all the years we have been able to enjoy such a blessing and my kids have too, even though they won't remember it.

christmas on sunday

2011-12-20T08:10:00.000-08:00

i have a confession to make. when i first discovered that christmas was on a sunday this year i was disappointed.

on a different, but related note, i've really wondered, like i never have how to make this holiday real and important to my kids. how can i make sure that they really understand why we celebrate christmas? they're really young, but if we don't teach them now it won't mean too much later. i want them knowing from as early as they can remember that christmas is for charity and family and service and reflection.

i, myself have felt very reflective this year and felt the true meaning of christmas a little more this year than i ever have in my 26 christmases. as i struggled with how to convey to them how truly important christmas is, i realized having christmas on sunday is perfect. what better way to teach them that christmas is about Christ than to actually worship in Christ's house?

actually writing that (and re-reading it) makes me feel silly because so many people already know that, that's why they have midnight mass and other special church services on christmas day. but because we live our religion more than some we don't consider it essential to actually be in church on christmas to celebrate and show our respect. but i do consider it a bonus and hope that it will help to show my children how important christmas--and all that it represents--is to me.

grateful for...

2011-12-15T13:00:00.000-08:00

a husband who works really hard, but doesn't forget that family is more important than money.

paul got his commission check today. it was so much bigger than i was anticipating, especially since i wasn't really counting on it. things have been so up in the air and while we've been trying really hard to save money it just hasn't seemed to be working for one reason or another. there were some necessities that had to be paid for and a few wants and it just wasn't happening. i was pretty confident that we had enough money to make our move when the time came, but i just wasn't positive. but now i'm very confident. and that makes enjoying the holidays a little easier because it's one less thing to worry about.

i feel very blessed this holiday season. we've been very well taken care of by our heavenly father. i'm so very grateful to generous and supportive friends and family. it makes no logical sense that we're not completely and utterly broke, but somehow we're not, and i know it's not due to my amazing budgeting skills.

precious moments...

2011-12-13T21:48:00.000-08:00

These days this scene doesn't happen too often anymore. They're too squirmy to sit still and rarely want to cuddle for longer than about 30 seconds. Poor Freddy was feeling so yucky though yesterday. I don't know what he ate, but he was emptying his stomach from about 5:30 until 8:00. He just wanted to be held, and it was nice to just hold him for awhile.

On a side note, we really need to finally purchase a camera . . . maybe after the move.

conflicting emotions

2011-11-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

i'm torn between impatience to hurry up and do this move thing, get it over with and begin our next adventure and gratitude that we get to stay through the holidays and enjoy our last minimal-traveling thanksgiving and christmas with family.

hmm, i guess i haven't really announced formally what's going on with us and the decisions we've come to. after a lot of fasting and prayer we've come to the conclusion that we are supposed to move to southern Oregon. i don't know why, and i don't know what to expect there. i do know that winter isn't a good time for construction and that we have no viable job prospects as of this point. but i also know that i've felt very strongly from the beginning that the time frame we were looking at was about 6 months (and that was back in July, so January). and, i also know the answers i've received are solid and based in my understanding of the gospel. and the most important thing i know: if that's where the Lord wants to send us/needs us we will somehow, some way, be taken care of financially (and in every other way, but let's face it, that's the most immediate need).

it occurred to me that by going to oregon paul and i will be the only members of our family not near family. there's something sad about that. on the other hand, i'm humbled by the fact that Heavenly Father must have a lot of faith in us to send us so far from our main support systems. right? lol well, that's what i'll choose to believe anyway.

optimistic

2011-10-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

it's time! answers seem to be coming. as soon as i know for sure i will post it for all to hear (or read), but for now it will have to suffice to say i feel good. really good. for the first time since this whole ordeal started i feel like i can see a clear path ahead. things seem to be going according to the timeline i got the impression we were working with 4 months ago. i'm so very excited to see what comes next. i'm also happy that we will get to spend the holidays here for one more year. thanks to everyone for all the prayers and support. we feel very loved.

what a pickle...

2011-10-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

how do you go about receiving answers when you're not even sure what the question should be?

POW!

2011-10-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

i made this for my babysitter. it's what she wanted. so much fun. :)

better now

2011-10-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

paul and i went out last night. we picked up my pint of ice cream, drove out to the country and parked by the side of the road. we talked, we theorized, we found the good; we basically just spent some much needed one-on-one time together talking without any distractions. i think we're both doing a lot better.

we're disappointed still, but there's a lot to be happy about as well. he's amazed me with his continued determination to be positive. it's always been something he's struggled with but something seems to have clicked in him in the last few weeks. i'm so impressed and pleased with the changes he's made. it has helped us both out immensely. he's discovered it's possible to be happy, even in the face of really trying circumstances and i've gotten a break from carrying the brunt of the emotional load.

despite the way things have gone down i'm still full of hope and the feeling that all is well and all will be well. really, i feel peaceful and blessed in so many ways right now. i think i kind of knew this wasn't the job for us, but still, that only helps to temper the disappointment so much. but, if this is a test--and i suspect that it is--we are ready to meet the demands this time. we are ready to forge through and redouble our efforts to prove our faith and obedience.

thank you so much to everyone who's been there for us, with us, praying for us, cheering for us, encouraging us. it's times like these that really teach you what is important and help you to recognize your blessings, some that you may have taken for granted in the past. we love you all!

it's official:

2011-10-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

he didn't get the job.

wooosh.

that was the sound of my hopes going out the window.

ugh. now what?

well, same as before i guess.

more resumes.

more praying for miracles.

positive thinking....

but i gotta be honest,

right now,

i'm crying.

:(

2011-10-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

i had paul take the puppies and gigi to the pound. i feel really bad, but i just couldn't handle anything else right now. my stress levels are so high. i wish we could've kept them and watched them grow until we could find homes for them, but i just hit a wall today. a huge, overwhelming wall that feels not just like it's in my way, but that it's actually falling on me. i guess paul didn't get the job because it's been 3 weeks and they still haven't called. guess it's back to square one. sigh.

hmmm...

2011-10-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

paul and i had the same dream (about a week apart).

personal revelation?

or desire manifesting itself through our subconscious?

i hope the former.

and i hope to find out very soon.

resolution...

2011-09-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

why do you seem so elusive?

if i don't hear something tomorrow i may just scream.

deep cleansing breaths....

fun with moving boxes...

2011-09-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

because it's been far too long since i posted pictures of my little munchkins and because this was just too fun:

update

2011-09-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

just so everyone knows, and by "everyone" i mean my blog readers, so all 4 of you, this is what's happening: paul and i drove up to concord last wednesday for an interview with swinerton incorporated located in san antonio, texas. paul did a good job in the interview and hopefully impressed him.

we know for sure he did impress him enough that he said his resume would be "passed up" to the operations manager who would make the final decision. we also know that, tops, there were four guys contending for the job. the one interview/resume before him was also "passed up" and there were two after him. whether all four were passed up, we don't know. so it could be as great as a 50% chance of getting the job and as little as 25%. we were also told that we would know the outcome one way or another, at the latest, one week from today.

we don't know if they will want to do another round of interviews or just hire based on recommendation of first interviewer/resumes. and we're not entirely sure of when they would want him if they do in fact offer him the job except it would be very quick. one, possibly two weeks. the projects start in october.

i'm starting to get really anxious, and excited, and--oy--emtionally invested. texas is a long way away from everyone. but, it would be so super great for paul to get his foot back in the door and build experience and contacts and maybe even start to put a little money back into savings. i'm sitting on pins and needles waiting and wondering and deciding what to plan. as hard as it was living the last two years in a "if"-type state, this is so much harder! knowing we're this close, but now knowing when, where, if, ever. . .it's kind of emotionally exhausting. i can't make plans or commitments and am getting tired of the phrase "we just don't know yet."

i know everyone's got their own things going on, but i'm going to ask because we can use all the help we can get; if you can remember us in our prayers (and i know many of you have been praying for us for a good long time) this week we would really appreciate it.

settling in

2011-09-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

is it weird that after almost 5 1/2 years of being a mom i just barely feel like i'm starting to settle in and enjoy it?

to anyone who knows me, the fact that i don't really "like" kids would not come as a shock. i love my kids. love, love. really. but i wouldn't classify myself as a "kid person". and because of that it's been tough for me as a mom. in a lot of important ways it has really not come natural to me.

but now, i feel like i'm really hitting my stride. i've always looked around at other parents and families and then looked at myself and my family and felt like i was missing something; like i just wasn't really getting it or someone forgot to tell me something, and then we had "a moment" several months back. at the time i thought it was just an exceptionally good day. but now i realize it was the beginning of the change.

things are finally starting to feel different, in a good way. i feel like i'm settling in and becoming a little more patient, a little more loving, and a little more like a mom and a little less like someone playing house. maybe it's age? maybe it's my spiritual maturity? maybe it's just a consequence of time. i'm not really sure, but i'm really enjoying the feeling. and feeling like maybe i'm not completely hopeless after all.

there's good news and there's bad news...

2011-08-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

the good news is i've discovered the cleanliness/orderliness of my house has a profound effect on my mood so clean house = happy me. and it's really that simple.

the bad news is the status of my house has a profound effect on my mood.

i understand most people (if not all) experience this to some degree or another. mine is so severe as to make me either completely lazy, and put me in a funk for long periods of a time or keep me cheerful, patient and highly motivated. it's quite extreme. on the one hand, it's great to have such a simple answer for my mood. on the other hand, it's not always easy to keep my house clean with 4 little ones running around and undoing everything i do almost as fast as i undo it (sometimes faster). however, i've always had a strong desire to be clean. like really clean, and organized. and i'm discovering if i break it up it's actually not terribly hard.

i also understand that this isn't just a "mood" thing. it is in fact my ability to recognize and feel the spirit. i'm very sensitive to presence of the holy ghost (or lack thereof) and apparently i need just the right conditions to feel his calming presence. hopefully this knowledge will be a great tool in my personal revelation as well. learning to recognize how it works for you is key, right?

so, now that i know what i'm dealing with hopefully i can use this as motivation to really keep my house clean. fortunately, my husband is very helpful in this way, especially if i make specific requests. and the kids aren't too bad at it either if i'm specific with them as well and reward them according to their efforts. i wish i were more unflappable, but sadly it seems that i am not. oh well. i'm learning to make things work for me. that's a start.

delayed reaction

2011-08-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

i've noticed in life that i seem to have a delayed reaction to a lot of life's big events. i always think i'm okay and that maybe something's wrong with me, but then "it", whatever "it" is, seems to hit me later, at about the time that the rest of the world is starting to come to terms. it happened to me again today. today is the last day of the first week of school. because of the craziness of the drop-off i've been getting out and escorting keith to class, or halfway to class still trying to figure out where he's supposed to be, where he waits when he's early (because he can't go wait in class, and going to the playground is out too since he's in K so not on the regular playground). after 4 days of this, i figured today he was ready and had been to class enough to get there himself. so, i pulled through the bus zone, let him out, watched him walk to the cafeteria and drove away.

woah! that was my moment. suddenly i thought "wow, he's so big! he's doing this by himself now. and he's totally okay." i shed a little tear inside today. on the one hand i'm happy drop-off will be so much easier this year and i don't have to haul the other three around, plus, he's getting a little more fun and interesting every day, on the other hand i'm a little sad that keith is big enough to do it alone now. but, i'm sure having fun watching him grow up. :)

every now and then....

2011-08-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

it would be nice to say/do the right thing at the right time. i'm so sick of looking back and saying "why did i say/do that? what was wrong with just staying silent or saying the first thing that came to my mind which was innocent instead of having to come up with a stupid 'comeback'?" ugh. i have to believe there's hope as i learn from each past experience. this time i even thought for quite some time before i spoke and STILL said the wrong thing. it's hard to overcome years of conditioning i guess.

but, i'm working on it.

limbo

2011-08-17T22:03:00.000-07:00

we've been in limbo for the last 2+ years basically, and yet, we've now reached a new level of limbo. it's such an odd feeling to be 99% certain that we're moving, but not know ANY details such as when, where, why. it could be in a month, it could be in six. it could be in a year. it's actually kind of frustrating. i'd like to start packing up, and yet at the same time without knowing any details i don't want to risk packing up things that we will need in the next several months. i wish i had some answers. ANY answers. it's like playing a particularly difficult game of clue. no matter what you do it takes certain amount of time to get to the end, except in this game i have no idea how long it will be before all the pieces fall into place and it will most likely happen all at once instead of one clue at a time.

home sweet home

2011-08-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

we had great vacation for the most part. we got to go to utah for the first time in 1.5 years and go to the west family reunion for the first time in 5 years, i think. that's a long time. but, as grandma west turned 95 this year it seemed monumentally important to make the trek whether we could really afford it or not, because really, in the long run, won't the memories be more important than the things we couldn't buy because of the money spent going? sometimes, i have to remind myself that, though as we go along.

tuesday we got to take family pictures. paul's cousin is a great photographer and she offered to take pictures when we were at the family reunion. it's been a little while so i said yes. the location was amazing and it was a lot of fun even with uncooperative kids. but i guess that's life at this age, right?

paul spent all day wednesday going to construction companies and handing in resumes in person. unfortunately though alexa got sick tuesday. i thought she was over it, but then she spend a good portion of the night throwing up. . .and then baz joined her. ugh. i really hope something good comes of all this work paul's been putting in because he's been working really long hours at work trying to catch up and he's been working hard while in utah for two days on finding a job. just feels like i haven't seen him for such a long time.

on the bright side, while he was out wednesday, i got to see a friend i haven't seen in about 8 years. we were friends when we were kids before she moved to UT. it was so great to see her! it's weird that we're all grown up and have kids of our own and such. when did all that happen?

we were supposed to go camping with liss and nate, but because kids got sick all over we decided that probably wasn't a great idea. i felt so bad. :( i really wanted to go, but it just wasn't possible this time. thursday paul had an interview with a local cable company. i don't think he'll probably get the job, but it was good for him to have an interview.

friday we took a hike up above sundance. it was great fun. the kids did such a great job on a relatively tough hike for such short little legs. keith really enjoyed getting really close to the waterfall and being in the wind and spray. he thought it was so cool. friday night we did a little home camping. we roasted marshmallows over jen and paul's fire pit and then made smores. the kids thought it was great fun and we really enjoyed it too. we even slept outside in tents. it was great family fun.

we left for home last night. got home today at 7:30 AM. it was a pretty quick and uneventful drive, fortunately. we didn't really want to come home, but we did have a great time while we were there. i wish i had pictures, but i suck at being on top of things like that. i'm such a loser. at least i have my memories and hopefully we'll get to do things like we did again maybe even next summer.

i feel amazing

2011-08-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

wow, between working really hard to clean my house and keep it clean, exercising (and losing just a little weight at the same time) and feeling the positive winds of change i feel so good lately! i love this feeling, and i wish it could last. of course, that's not the way it works so i will enjoy it while it lasts.

on a different, but related, note. i've been reading dr. john gray's "men are from mars, women are from venus" book. i started reading the chapter entitled "women are like waves" and thought "well, that's just silly. i mean, sure maybe some women, but i don't think i really rise and fall like that." however, as i got further into the chapter and read some of the examples of ways we, as women do this and really thought about my past behavior i began to realize that that is me. wow. on the one hand i felt so silly and arrogant for dismissing it so quickly and on the other hand i felt a little better realizing that i wasn't suffering from selective depression but that it's actually a very normal cycle of feelings for women. what a great book! everyone in a relationship needs to read this. it's like a "man to woman" dictionary and vice versa. so to anyone who has said "(wo)men should come with a manual so i can understand them!" this book is it. sure, it won't solve all relationship problems, but it should help make some serious improvements in the communication department which should help everywhere else.

update

2011-07-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

we've gathered all paperwork to get our short sale started. i'm excited to get this underway and continue down our chosen path. i feel good. i feel great.

but i also feel anxious.

when it's time for changes it seems like they can't possibly come fast enough, and yet i know we have a little time to wait. feels like a 6 months waiting period is what we're looking at right now. i'm not sure why, but that's just how it feels.

wish us luck, and please, keep those prayers coming. i wish i had a clear time table in front of me. it would make the waiting much easier, but of course that doesn't require faith. oy. more than 2 years now. i'm ready for something good on the job front. anything!

feeling optimistic

2011-07-06T08:44:00.000-07:00

changes are brewing. things are shifting. and we both feel great about our new direction. i'm excited to see what's going to happen in the next 6 months. as things happen i will be sure to keep everyone updated about what's happening.

good things are coming....i can feel it.

i'm so tireeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

2011-06-27T22:16:00.000-07:00

sorry. think i dozed off there.

right now what i need most (besides instantaneous travel) is a shower, my own bed, my body pillow, and my husband next to me.

i've had a great time in UT, but i'm ready to go home. actually, i'd love to stay here...but in my own house, and with my husband here. don't worry, i wasn't seduced by the dark side, otherwise known as 'utah'. i'm just so done with fresno. soo done. and i miss my sisters. we had a lot of fun this trip and some great laughs. even the one sister who lives near me doesn't live near to me, enough to get to see her often. sigh. oh transient life (mine and others), i'm so sick of you. is a stable job and a desirable location too much to ask for? maybe i'll write a letter to santa this year...

where...

2011-06-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

are all my blogging friends??

come on people, don't you know i have no life and get my thrills vicariously through your blogs??

Half Marathon

2011-05-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

I'm very excited to say that I'm training for a half marathon.

In January of 2012 my sisters-in-law Christy, Rada and myself are running (jogging, walking) the Tinker Bell half marathon at Disneyland!

It's a long way off, but still, it's good to have a goal.

I'm thinking about doing another in November here in Fresno as well, partly as a trial run because the time regulations are much more strict at Disneyland (must finish in 3.5 hours. can be picked up at any time and taken to end if not keeping pace.) and partly because I really wanted to do this particular one last year and didn't do it.

You can follow my training here if you want.

I will probably do most of my run-related posts there just to keep this one less boring.

Summer

2011-05-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

Anyone else counting down until summer? Only 3 and a half weeks of school. Yay! And then, camping. Double yay! I'm so looking forward to swimming, camping, playing outside, barbeques, and just lots of water fun. I need a break. This school thing is tough even for mom! Can't imagine how much Keith must need it. I'm just excited for change.

And as an aside, can you believe it's almost June already too. We're almost halfway through 2011 already. Life just flies by doesn't it?

music

2011-05-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

mom and dad west were thoughtful enough to buy the groupon for the fresno phil. i haven't been to the symphony in a long time. because of the exhausting 2 weeks preceding the concert i was hesitant to go and really thought seriously about skipping out. in fact, if someone else hadn't bought the tickets, i probably would have. but, i'm really glad i didn't.

as soon as it started and i heard the strings play i heaved this big sigh of contentment and thought "yes, i've been missing this."

life is crazy and sometimes it's hard to find time even for our passions in life when you're taking care of 4 (some could argue 5) other people. from time to time i've thought to myself that i just don't know if i love music enough to continue working on it while struggling just to survive kids and life. and that it's too late to really DO anything with the talent. don't get me wrong, i will never completely abandon it or stop playing the piano, but i feel at times that i'm happy with the current level of my abilities and don't have much desire to continue to work.

then something happens.

i went to time out for women and listened to michael mclean and john bytheway (who is not a musician but showed us a video of him playing the banjo which he learned in the last few years--awesome!) and hilary weeks and thought "this is what i want to do! it's not even kind of too late. they're all in their 40's and 50's. i can spend the next 1 to 2 decades really learning my craft." and i realize i really do love music and want to continue magnifying my talent.

then i forgot again.

then i went to the symphony and my soul sighed in delight. and i remembered my love. and why it's been my love from the first time i started the trumpet. i'm certain it's meant to be part of my life. somehow, some way. and i think that's it's supposed to be a part of my life that i share with others and not just something i do. i'm certain there's a whole huge area of my talent that i haven't even tapped yet.

but i think i'm going to need some constant reminding for awhile because right now, some days it's all i can do just to keep my head above water...

2011-05-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

you know, i had a piano teacher who once said to me desiring to have more than two kids was very "optimistic". now, more than 5 years later i'm sure the word isn't "optimistic" but instead "arrogant".

seriously, how very arrogant was i to think i could handle child rearing? and not just one, but FOUR? i must be out of my mind. but, god willing (and i'm pretty certain He is or He wouldn't have sent me all these precious souls), i will make it through this.

right??

lesson in manners

2011-04-01T14:46:00.000-07:00

overheard at my house while mashing bananas for muffins:

Keith: "you're good at smashing bananas mommy."

Me: "what can i say..."

Keith: (pause) "...you can say 'thank you.'"

change is good. :)

2011-03-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

I've wanted to cut my hair short for a long time. But the fact that my hair is pretty thin and very fine has always made me hesitate. I was always so worried it would just sit there limply and look (if possible) even worse than my blah-straight long hair. I really thought I'd have long hair forever because I didn't have the guts to cut it. But after looking at another person's picture and then searching through pictures of people with short hair that looked similar in texture to mine I finally decided to take the plunge. Summer's coming and I hate my long hair in the pool. I was just sick of it. All of it. I was so ready. So, I asked a friend if she could and if she would. And she totally surprised me by showing up at my house with her scissors, a smile and a question.

"Is she serious? Because I will."

I love her! She's such a great friend and this is one of the best presents I've gotten in a long time. And, the best part,
I LOVE IT!

Seriously. Love. :))

don't make any sudden movements

2011-03-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

it's been an up weekend. a way up weekend. the kind i haven't had in longer than i can remember with any accuracy.

mom was great enough to take my kids friday night (and rachel was great enough to do most of the taking care of them for the night due to mom's poor bum ankle) and paul and i got to spend some time alone in our house. it was really nice and just what i needed. i'm extremely grateful my kids don't have attachment issues and love pretty much everyone. it makes it exceptionally easy to leave them with other people when the rare opportunities present themselves.

i'm also very grateful to have a mom close by who's willing to help out. and one who knows what my life is like.

if i can figure out how to make this feeling last i think i will be okay. the bad news it, i won't always be like this, in reality. life would be much too easy like that. the good news it i think i've found some answers i've been looking for and i'm hoping i can "make it stick." it's good to know that Heavenly Father really does answer prayers. and He does!

allow me a moment

2011-03-22T12:13:00.000-07:00

i must be doing something right because it seems i've had more good days than i've had for a long time. the problem is the swinging wildly from one day to the next. how do i keep from vacillating between a pretty good day and a i-just-can't-do-this-anymore days?

i can't figure it out! and it's driving me crazy.

is it normal to have super productive days next to super lazy days? is there a way to even them out so i have mostly productive days every day instead of great days next to wasted ones?

ugh, i can't figure this wife/mom/homemaker thing out. i can't seem to find my balance. does it ever get better?

i'm super grateful i've had a lot more "life is good" days recently in the last couple months than in the last 3 years combined...i jest (but not). but i wish i could find the magic formula. the reason for my upbeat content days.

don't get me wrong. i understand that there will always be i-just-can't-do-this-anymore days no matter what. and i'm okay with that.

but i'd love to see the pendulum swing so far the other way that those are the off days and not the standard. my mountains are great...it's the valleys that aren't so great.

here's to hoping the valleys get narrower, the climb gets easier (that is, my capacity to climb), and the summits longer and closer together.

limbo lower now...

2011-02-25T09:21:00.000-08:00

okay, so not lower, just longer. i feel like we've been in limbo for the last two years. yep, that's right, we're coming up on TWO years since paul lost his job with matt. and we're still in our house...somehow. we're still making ends meet...somehow. i feel like we're treading water. and on the one hand i'm very grateful we haven't lost our house and we've been very blessed financially, on the other hand part of me wishes we could just come to some kind of resolution so we could be done with the waiting and uncertainty.

we could be done with the "what if" and the "where will we be in a year?" questions. because i know we'd be fine if we had to leave our house. i wouldn't like it and i know paul would have a hard time with it, but we'd be okay. we have lots of places to go and paul does have a good job. we'd be just fine if we had to go back to renting. in some ways i think it would be a blessing. we could move down to visalia/tulare area where paul is working, which would give me more help, save him lots of driving time and give me a chance to work with mom in the shop. i'm willing to move, even out of state (maybe especially) and yet, we're still here. so i know we're still supposed to be here for some reason or another because if it were time to go we'd be gone.

on the other hand, it's nice to know i don't have to make all my own decisions. its nice to know i don't have to make the decisions about what's best for my family all on my own because i'm sure i'd screw it up (i would have already, i know). i guess for now i can take comfort in the fact that whatever happens it's part of a bigger plan. hopefully a better plan too. one with maybe a little more financial stability sooner rather than later. :)

but just so everyone knows, we're doing okay. really. i couldn't explain how except to say God has a plan for us and for now it doesn't include leaving our house. not just yet anyway....

seems to me...

2011-02-15T11:46:00.000-08:00

...i let my laundry-to-be-folded pile get a little out of control.
oops.

fortunately, i got it all tamed, though it took awhile. i hate laundry.

can i get an "amen!"?

mom moment!

2011-01-14T09:33:00.000-08:00

i had one of those mom moments. the one you think you'll never have. it was kind of funny though, i won't lie.

for our 7th anniversary (yay us!) we got out of town and on our way up we did a session in the oakland temple. when we got there we went in to the visitor's center to see when session started etc. on out way from visitor's center to our car to deposit clothes into car, which of course required walking across the parking lot. a car came in from the road and totally unthinking i put my hand out to keep paul from walking out into the road.....which of course is silly. he's an adult and can see a car coming.

it was subtle. i don't even think paul noticed. but i did. and inside i went "oh my goodness! i just did a mom thing." i laughed and felt silly. oh man, how time changes us.

Now that's what i'm talking about!

2011-01-12T18:55:00.000-08:00

It's been a pretty good day.

Yes, I really said that.

Yes, I think I even really mean it.

Started with scriptures at 7:30.

Only 2 chapters, but isn't that better than nothing?

Then a prayer.

Yes! I remembered!

Then the craziness of getting Keith off to school.

That part wasn't so great.

BUT, while he was out, I got two kids fed and changed.

I also folded three loads of laundry while washing a fourth.

Got three kids down for naps before picking up number four.

Got in a 45 minute P90X workout, yes!

Ate lunch, fed kids.

Made bed with clean sheets. Love.

Took all four kids and dog for a walk.

(Bonus workout.)

Hung out outside after said walk and enjoyed the sunshine...

After putting two babies back down for naps.

Ahh, isn't that nice?

Oh, and Paul made dinner tonight.

Yes, I think I'll take a few more of these days please.

it begins...

2011-01-11T12:45:00.000-08:00

i'm starting P90X monday. you can follow my journey here. or, even better, you can join me (with something the same or different.) i will post "before" pictures too.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-27T16:10:00.000-08:00

Christmas was nice this year. We kept is small and simple, and for the first time in three Christmases in our house we finally had Christmas morning all to ourselves. Not that I mind having family here and being elsewhere next year, but it was another special moment to be just us. It was fun watching Keith and Alexa open stockings and getting excited over things (like new underwear, hehe). Paul and I only did stockings for each other, well except the family photo collage he made for me. =) I went into Christmas with no expectations consciously or subconsciously and consequently it was a much more pleasant holiday for me than it has been for a few years. Actually, last year was quite a good Christmas, but it was exhausting because of all that we had to do in the last week before Christmas. I was a little better prepared this year. I'm looking forward to this weekend though and the new year. I'm ready to ring in 2011.

Our cute tree. It makes me smile.

Freddy actually slept through all the ruckus. But Baz was up and happy.

Alexa had a lot of fun opening things.

Two new disney movies! yay!

Love this face.

Showing off his cape for daddy.

Oooh, fake food!

Exhaustion

2010-12-27T00:20:00.000-08:00

I think I know how an addict feels. It's that moment when you "fall off the wagon" and the overwhelming thought is "I thought I was doing so well, but I haven't made any progress at all!"

And it's so easy for an outsider to point out all the good things, but all you can do it shake your head and sigh, or cry and think of all the ways you should have handled it and all the things you did wrong. It's like a bad movie put on repeat in your head.

Of course that's silly to assume that one mistake, one relapse, nullifies all of the good and progress that has in fact happened, but it doesn't change the overwhelming feeling of failure. The despair and the constant "if only"s that go on in the thought process.

It's been a very bad afternoon and night. I'm drained emotionally, spiritually and physically. I need a break.

Epiphany

2010-12-13T10:10:00.000-08:00

Saturday, Paul and I had yet another conversation where I ended up frustrated because I asked Paul a question and just wanted an open, honest answer and he, yet again, responded by saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Consequently, I may have had a mini rant about how I wasn't looking for something specific when I asked him a question, just wanted to know how he felt, really felt, that is. After some time of this mini rant this conversation may have happened:

Paul: Christa, I just had an epiphany.

Pause.

Me: What's that?

Paul: You want me to be honest with you.

Me: Really?!

If only I hadn't been so obscure all these years....

2010-12-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

i locked the door to the shower a couple days ago. both kids were watching a movie, but inevitably alexa came in and pounded on the bathroom door wanting in. she stopped after awhile.

but then, after i got out of the shower, i opened the door to find this:

yeah, i don't know. she's a pretty quick little thing.

Love this face.

2010-12-05T19:23:00.000-08:00

That's a relief....or is it?

2010-12-01T12:39:00.000-08:00

Life has been rough this last year. Made even rougher by the fact that I wasn't sure if it was really rough or I just really needed a serious attitude adjustment. Now I know--it's been rough. Not to say that I don't still need an attitude adjustment, because I can almost always benefit from one of those, but I'm slightly relieved to know that I haven't just been dramatic. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder, when is it going to get better? I think we're on a good track to make it happen, but it's going to be a process, and the length of which . . . well, that's anyone's guess. Not to mention the lack of job or even prospects. I'm ready for something good to happen!

Who's with me?

I survived...

2010-11-23T12:09:00.000-08:00

my first trip to the grocery store with all four kids and no Paul. it was an event for sure, tiring and far too long--i kept forgetting things across the store, and where i would've just run across the store alone if paul were there, i couldn't leave them alone to grab something--but no meltdowns, like i had anticipated, no crying from either baby (in fact, freddy fell asleep) and while there was a lot of "can we get"s from Keith he took the "no"s pretty well, even if it didn't deter him from asking again in 5 seconds. and while i got the comment "you have your hands full, don't you!" a lot, no one looked at me like i was crazy or asked "are they all yours??"

Look! Picture evidence!

and, for the record, that stupid enormous cart is huge and annoying to push around. it doesn't corner well and this particular one tried to turn right if i didn't strong arm it constantly to the left. also, with all those kids in the cart, there's not much room for groceries so this is not practical for anything more than a few items. In fact, I had to move a bag of groceries to take this picture because they were sitting atop freddy's head a little. :)

yay me!

okay, i'm pathetic, i know, but this was big for me!

2010-11-16T18:34:00.000-08:00

My baby girl is 2 today. Yep, already. I could've gotten a picture with her all cute and clean, but I love the chocolate frosting on her face (with the obliterated cake remains in the corner of the picture. She searched only for frosting after awhile.)

So far I know that:

she loves her siblings, all of them. She asks for Keith when he's at school and is excited to get him when school's over.

She has a great sense of humor and loves to tease and play games.

She is agile and loves a thrill.

She likes to sing and dance.

She's very bright and observant.

She LOVES her daddy. A lot.

She is competitive and will sometimes only do something for me if I ask Keith to do it after she says no.

She's very independent and stubborn. She prefers to do things on her own when she can. This is possibly why she can already dress herself when Keith could not at this age.

She's VERY verbal and loves to talk. A lot. Unfortunately.

She's goofy and likes to make people laugh.

I love her and she makes me laugh. She is so much fun and I'm so excited to see how her personality will continue to develop.

Paul took this one about a week ago. She was just tuckered out. It was only about 6:00 pm.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEXA!

Coolest present ever:

2010-11-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

I meant to post this LONG ago but kept forgetting to take a picture of it.

This was Paul's Mother's Day gift to me.

It is the most awesome, thoughtful gift he's ever given me.

I love my hubby and all four of my crazy kids!

my earliest walker?

2010-11-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

I went to get the crying boys out of their cribs to find this:

pulling himself up on things to stand already. . .wow. i'm pretty sure this is before either of my other two.

Life without internet...

2010-11-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

has been really tough. i'm not a fb addict or anything like that, though, i admit, i probably spend a little more time than necessary on it. but what i discovered is that i have SO much information and do so many things on my computer! i pay bills, i keep my recipes (which i discovered i don't print out often enough), i talk to distant (and not so distant) family members, and i look up answers to questions about almost everything! it's been a very LONG 4 weeks while my computer's been away getting fixed, but i'm still grateful that at least it broke the day BEFORE my warranty expired. plus, all the time away gave me time to spend with my husband, do quite a bit of reading, and just generally enjoy being disconnected for awhile (i know, i know. i said it drove me crazy. . .but it was also kind of a relief in a way.)

so, be prepared! i'm behind on pictures an info, but i'm going to try to catch up and jump back into the blogging world. well. . .maybe wade, but i'm giving it a go!

night time adventures

2010-09-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

Labor Day Camping 2010

2010-09-14T00:12:00.000-07:00

So, the annual West Family Campout was last weekend (or rather Labor Day Weekend, which was the weekend before last I guess technically). It was a lot of fun, though I'll be honest, camping with 3 kids 2 years old and under (2 still nursing) was not exactly my idea of an ideall camping trip, and it's definitely not on my to do list anytime soon. Fortunately though everyone loves my kids so I didn't have to hold them ALL the time, though I couldn't let them roll around on the floor since, well, eew.

It was pretty uneventful as far as camping goes, but Rachel came with us which was great. I always love spending time with her, and all the West family members made it except Shawn, which is to be expected with his busy flying schedule. We did get to see him just last Friday night though as he was in town, which was nice.

My kids got filthy, but seemed to love just about every minute of it. Nights were rough for pretty much everyone. As in true camping tradition, I didn't sleep almost at all the first night. The other two were better than that, but for such a large tent we were oddly cramped between children. :)

Alexa loved the dirt and the marshmallows. She was truly disgusting for most of the trip, but at least her hair was cute, haha. I'm just glad it was out of her face or it would've been SOO gross!

Cousin Kimber really loved her little cousins.

Alexa loves dolls or barbies or anything that can be called "baby"

Uncle John took the kids rock climbing.

Keith was fine at first...

then he looked down...

then he froze. But daddy and a cousin came to his rescue. I think he still enjoyed himself and isn't scarred for life, but we shall see. :)

Totally gross...

2010-09-11T10:19:00.000-07:00

But I love them anyway. :)

First Day of Preschool

2010-08-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, these won't get any better as they are phone shots. I didn't get a chance to get a picture with a good camera. These at least are something I guess.

Day one went pretty well, but then, they ask all the parents to stay for the whole first day to have a Q&A session and help the child transition. Our biggest problem seem to come when he saw the school. He was excited for school, except that last year we did an informal preschool with church people and I'm pretty sure he was under the impression we were doing that, so when he didn't see a familiar friend's house he started to cry. But, it didn't last too long and I assured him he would make lots of friends and enjoy school here.

Day two was iffy. As he has to be signed in and out every day I had to unload all 4 kids (and will every day. joy.) to go into his classroom to sign him in. I made as quick an exit as possible, even while I recognized that many parents were hanging out for awhile yet. He was sad to see me go, and almost cried but when I told him I was coming back in a little while he was okay, though I could tell he was still sad.

As we left and I grabbed the babies and Alexa she said "Where Keith?" and I explained to her that he was staying. She said "okay." I think she did okay. I'm really looking forward to this one-less-kid thing every day for awhile.

To make life easier on my I walked to school to pick him up and as we were walking him I asked him about his day. I asked if he cried and he proudly said "Nope. Other kids did, but I didn't." He said he had fun and was excited to go back Monday. HUGE sigh of relief! I figured he would be, but you just never know sometimes.

First night in the big bed...

2010-08-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

I decided to start the transition to big bed for Alexa since I'm pretty sure I'm going to be needing that crib very soon as the twins like to kick each other and roll on top of the other.

I took the front off and put her to bed. Paul called me later to look at her and this is what I found. So cute.

Twins Update

2010-07-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

Freddy and Baz had their 4 month physical/immunizations yesterday. Here are the results:

Frederick: 11 lb. 6 oz. & 22 inches long

Sebastian: 9 lbs. 13 oz. & 21.5 inches

They continue to stay almost exactly 1.5 lbs. apart for now.

Those numbers (at least the weight, that is) put Freddy in about the 3%, and Baz, sadly, still not even on the chart. But, I'm sure we'll get there. Freddy probably wasn't on the chart 2 months ago either.

Interestingly enough, their heads measured the same size.

They're growing, if very slowly. At least they're healthy though, right?

Sebastian needs to see a pediatric urologist because his right testicle seems very swollen and has for a couple weeks, so keep your fingers crossed (prayers work too :) that all is well and it isn't a problem that will require surgery.

2010-07-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

indicative of their personalities?? we shall see. . . . .

(just so you know, they're both asleep.)

Bittersweet

2010-06-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

You know those moments. The ones where you sit rocking your child, sleeping or just cuddling, and realize all too abruptly that you don't take these moments often enough.

I had one of these tonight as I took the time to sit and hold Alexa before tossing her in the crib for bed. These precious moments with my little children will be gone before I know it and I wonder why I don't spend more time with them. I take for granted the fact that they're little and time moves slowly, but really, I know better. Time doesn't move slowly--it flies. I don't want to sit looking back one day wondering why I didn't take more time to just hold my babies.

When I do take those moments and those thoughts hit me it makes me want to sit forever and soak it in. It becomes very hard to let go of said child and I feel like I've been denying myself of one of the most natural relaxants ever created. I want to hold on and instead of itching for them to grow up I long for them stay little.

A Measure of Peace

2010-06-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

So, as the pressure's been mounting while the bank account goes down and the bills go up (or at least if feels like it), it's been getting harder and harder to keep the faith. That's pretty common, I know. That is, of course, the real test of faith. It's easy to "have faith" when everything's going well and there aren't too many trials, but it's much more difficult when things are going badly. Of course, if you have lots of faith in the easy times, but it disappears during the tough periods, it wouldn't really be considered faith right?

Well, my faith is being tested. I've been doing pretty well, I think, seeing as it's been over a year since Paul lost his job and we've been living on mediocre pay and savings. But it's getting tougher, and I've been having a harder time being so "faithful". Most days, I do fine because, more than not, I simply refuse to acknowledge the possibility that we may run out of money before we find another job or another way to sustain ourselves. However, occasionally (usually after paying the bills) I get very down and realize we're on a downward slope with no end in sight.

It's been quite awhile since we've gone to the temple as a couple. I went once at about 7 months pregnant with Carolyn, and then not again for a long time. She called me last week and asked if I wanted to go Friday morning with her. I decided that would be an excellent idea since it's been much too long. Plus, it was a great birthday present, and I was really needing some clarity and perspective in my life. It was a good session, but I can't say that I had any "ah ha" moments. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough or in the right frame of mind.

I told Paul it was high time we (especially he) did a session, so we decided to go together this last Tuesday night. While we sat in the Celestial Room I asked him if he'd received any epiphanies. He said yes, but he didn't think I'd want to hear what it was.

I asked.

He told me.

Patience.

That was it. The answer he received was "be patient."

Ahhh!

I cried.

At that moment, at that place in the temple that is not what I wanted him to say.

That was less than a week ago. However, I have found peace from that simple answer in the days since. We have talked, discussed, realized we do have options. As these options have been presented or pointed out by others, I've come to the understanding that if, in two months, we can't pay our mortgage, all is not sunk. We will not be kicked out of our house immediately, or even imminently. The Lord does indeed have a larger plan for us. I'm sure of that again. My faith has been restored, and I have found peace with our future, whatever that might be.

I needed that!

2010-06-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

i had a great long weekend. probably one of the best in a long time. actually, it started friday, which was my birthday. carolyn and i met at the temple and did a session together while arlin and diana watched the kids. i really needed that because the last time i did a session was i think when i was about 7 months pregnant with the twins. she took me to lunch after at tahoe joe's and we chatted and had a great lunch. it's always great to see her and we don't get to see each other much since we live farther apart now.

after i finally got home around 1:30 i started thinking about getting ready to go to tulare. paul and i had tickets reserved to see the Wizard of Oz at Encore Theatre in Tulare. it was a great play and JD Casey and Kelsey Davisson did such a fantastic job. really, all the leads were great, and it was an enjoyable time. rachel was so sweet and bought me a cupcake at the theater for my birthday.

mom and chuck watched the kids while we went to the play and when we came back, there was a cake. so, i got to blow out some candles for my birthday and further ruin my diet with a piece of super rich german chocolate cake.

saturday was mostly a veg day, then paul took me out to dinner to celebrate my birthday. we had a great time and really needed the alone time. things have been kinda crazy around here with all the little kiddies we have to take care of.

sunday was basically a regular sunday, which we both needed.

then monday, the partying began! there was a ward party at 11:00 in the church's park. we had a chili cook-off (for which i got to be a judge) and a bake-off. i submitted g-ma's rocky road fudge. it didn't win, but i didn't care, i got to eat some and it was so good! directly after we finished that shindig we headed over to the lathrop's for swimming BBQ and fun. It was such a fun, relaxing day. keith had a great time in the pool and alexa took to the water just like last year, but with even more enthusiasm! it looks like she will be my more adventurous one, at least for now. hard to say how the twins will be yet. she was unhappy when we had to take her out because her teeth were chattering. keith got in and out pretty much all day and really enjoyed himself.

i'm so excited for summer. more swimming, games, friends and fun!

i didn't see as many flags out flying as i would've like to, but I'M grateful for Memorial Day and for all the men and women that have given us a need to have Memorial Day. you are all great people and i can't thank you enough for serving me and this country.

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!!

It's that time again

2010-05-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

I realize she's only 18 months, but I can't take it anymore! Not the three kids in diapers, cause really, that doesn't bother me so much. I don't really care about changing all their diapers. What I can't stand is the hyper-sensitivity of Alexa's bum! It is constantly red and reacts to pretty much everything put on it or near it. I just want it to not hurt for her anymore.

So, I bought underwear. Yep, I'm going to try to potty train my darling little girl because I think she'll be so much happier if her bum doesn't constantly have an itch rash. I think she's ready, I really do. She's waking up dry from naps and she's pretty smart. So wish my luck! Cause I'm starting this business really soon.

Look how sweet they look...

2010-05-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

i assure you, it's all an act. but they're still pretty cute.

2 months!

2010-05-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

Wow, where does the time go. The boys had their two month check up today and got their shots. They were very good, especially considering how often the poor little guys got stuck. I was just about right on with their weight and the discrepancy between them. Frederick weighed in at 8# 6oz. and Sebastian was an even 7. They're growing pretty well I think. They're healthy and strong and smiling a lot now. I will try to get a smiling picture of them in the next couple days. They're happy, mostly easy babies for which I'm grateful. They sleep pretty regularly until 3:00 or 3:30 am (with their last feeding between 8:30 and 10:00 my goal).

Basically, things are going great.

fingerpainting......

2010-05-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

what was i thinking leaving her there all alone with a pudding cup and no supervision??

She was pretty pleased with herself.

I love how maniacal she looks in this one.

Yep, she even got her legs.

She was asking for more to continue her artwork. I denied her request and moved her to the bathtub instead. She was okay with that.

New Blog

2010-05-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

i started a new blog at www.8weekstolose.blogspot.com.

i will try to post daily for the next 8 weeks about how i do during my days in my biggest loser family competition. =)

Mother's Day

2010-05-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

my thoughtful, sweet brother, Doug brought me a lei saturday afternoon (shipped from Hawaii) to wear sunday to church. i was so flattered by his thoughtfulness. isn't it beautiful?

my super sweet husband bought me some See's candy (MMMM!) and then gave me the most thoughtful gift he's given me in our 6 years together. he put all 4 of my kids hand (and foot for the twins) prints in a frame with two pieces of glass (no back) with the saying "These little hands and feet have touched my heart". i will post a picture later, but it's not quite finished yet, so I want to post the completed project. it is SO awesome and was so thoughtful and clever! then we went to mom's and enjoyed a really fun evening with family. it was a great mother's day!

I love

2010-05-02T17:49:00.001-07:00

that Alexa almost always eats like she's starving.

But not just that, the things that she eats make me smile and say things like "wow, i'm impressed!"

For dinner I made grilled chicken, sauteed bell peppers, onions and mushrooms and put all of that over some garlic and olive oil vermicelli.

She ate everything. Really.

I cut about 5 or 6 really small pieces of chicken for her to give her the option. Keith really didn't like chicken at her age (and still doesn't sometimes) but she seems to like meat, even minus any real teeth on the bottom to chew with. I didn't really think she'd eat all the chicken.

She did. And the mushrooms. . .and most of the bell pepper. . .and all her noodles.

Yeah, this girl rocks.

Keith is FOUR

2010-05-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

Gentian Violet

2010-05-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

Cowboy fun

2010-04-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

2010-04-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

Paul and I got ready to go to bed night before last and he peeked in to check on Keith. This is what he found. He called me to come look and I just had to take a picture.

Introducing...

2010-03-13T22:38:00.000-08:00

Frederick Duncan West and Sebastian Wilde West! For simplicity I will just send you here for pictures, because hijacking them all would take time and energy I'd rather not spend right now.

Story is long, so feel free to jump toward the middle or the end or whatever! =)

The Story:

Friday, late morning, 37 weeks pregnant, went into the doctor and we talked about my options. Since the specialist had recommended delivery between 37 and 37.5 weeks we realized we were running out of time to let me go into labor myself. We discussed the options, which weren't many and decided to try to induce as safely as possible that evening since she was going to be at the hospital anyway. I was very apprehensive about what was going to happen. The word "pitocin" may have been used and my blood pressure may have been very high.

Paul gave me a beautiful blessing that was, I think, the most specific (and the longest) blessing he's ever given me. I felt much better after this, knew I could have my boys vaginally, and things would all be okay.

We dropped off our older kids at Ella's (God bless her) and went to the hospital to have an NST and AFI before Dr. Kopacz (pronounced "co-patch") arrived. However, it ended up taking a VERY long time to get Frederick to move enough to declare both babies were looking great. Fortunately, during this time I started contracting sporadically and it was at least looking my my body would cooperate if prodded correctly.

It was decided doc would break my water and if that didn't get things going along we would try a low dose of Pitocin. The mention of Pit was what I was so anxious about because it's considered a no-no with VBACs due to an increased risk of uterine rupture.

It started raining on our way to the hospital. Apparently rain brings pregnant women into the hospital in droves. They were so busy I didn't leave triage until 7:30 to get a bed in L&D. By that time I had been stuck twice in unsuccessful IV attempts. This did not make me a happy person. Finally, after I got into my room they sent me a great nurse who got me set up on an IV first try. Then, doc came in--I think around 8:00--and broke my water, happily reporting that I was actually at a 2 now (that morning in the office I was at a 1). Nothing happened for about 10 minutes and I was worried, but then they started coming much quicker at 3-5 minutes apart and getting more intense all the time.

Around 9:30 the anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself. Great guy, good sense of humor, and good at what he does. We talked it over, decided it would be best for me to get an epi sooner rather than later due to the fact that he wasn't currently busy and also to get a catheter in my back just in case we had to do an emergency c-section. I was in quite a bit of pain by then anyway, so they checked me before he stuck me and I was at a 4. Yay!

Got my epi at 9:30. I think the pain meds make me sick because I remember feeling that way with Alexa too at one point. They gave me some Zofran to combat the nausea. For some reason it made me REALLY sleepy. So, I rested, though didn't really sleep, from about 10:00 to 12:30ish or so. I was just starting to feel some really intense pain through the epi around that time and it just got worse in the next 20 minutes. Had a nurse come in insisting she up my drip. Doc said I needed to be checked first. So, at 12:55ish they checked me and declared me a 9! Said they were going to prep the OR, started handing out funny blue jumpsuits (for Mom and Paul) and caps.

I was wheeled into the OR (a precaution due to high risk birth) at about 1:00 AM. Mom and Paul were called in about 15 minutes later after all prepping was done. Then, doc said, "You can push whenever." Baby A, Frederick, was born after one long push at 1:18 (5 lbs. 1 oz.). She broke 2nd water and Baby B, Sebastian, came 2 minutes later, also in one long (a little longer) push at 1:20 (4 lbs. 6 oz.). I rested for a couple minutes, pushed out the placenta, and that was it. It was done. I didn't tear, and everything looked great!

I was in shock at the speed and ease of the whole L&D process, especially the delivery. It was an amazing experience and everyone in the OR with us thought it was a cool experience. The staff here is GREAT and my doc is everything I would ever want for any woman to have for their own OB. It was a beautiful experience.

Hopefully, we'll get to take these little guys home tomorrow. Unfortunately, they wouldn't let our kids in due to cold and flu season. Alexa didn't care as she has no idea what's going on, but Keith was bummed.

So, thank you everyone who's been supportive, and thank you to everyone who said prayers on our behalf. It's been a great journey!

2010-03-09T08:46:00.000-08:00

Nick Netzley's wife, Eileen made these for the boys. Aren't they beautiful? They're all individual strips, not actually puzzle-shaped pieces. I meant to take a picture of the back, but forgot. They're flannel with the puzzle-shape stitched throughout in yellow. I love them!

they'll work for now...

2010-03-06T09:49:00.000-08:00

baby bracelets

Reflated!! (or whatever...)

2010-03-05T15:08:00.000-08:00

yeah, i had a great doctor appointment. there's so much good news i'm not sure where to start. i don't want to recount my entire appointment, but i don't want to leave anything out either.

good news: doc spoke to peri (specialist) and discussed delivery date and vbac options. peri was very clear that she doesn't recommend a vbac for me which, of course, i was fully aware of. my doc also wanted to know why she recommends such an early delivery. peri said she's personally never had a problem with lung development by that time with twins--which is, i think, what my doc was most concerned with for obvious reasons--and that's just when she delivers them. doc told me she's willing to let me deliver at 37 weeks if that's what i want, BUT she sees no reason to force me to have a c-section as long as baby A is in correct position for delivery. the assumption is that while there's a 1% risk with a singleton of uterine rupture, it could be higher with twins because there's more pressure on the scar. however, since there are no studies to suggest that that is the case, my doc is willing to still let me try.

oh, and she said i'm at about a 1. not great, but since sunday i was pretty much a zero, i'll take it.

better news: went in to check out the babies on the ultrasound machine. both babies are head down!! yay! i told the doctor that i'd been putting ear phones down there on my belly playing classical music. she thought this was funny and said "i wonder if that helped?" i said "i dunno, but i read it online and figured it was an easy enough thing to try."

she also wanted to be sure i understood that i have the right to refuse a c-section and they can't make me or it's assault. i knew this, but it's nice to hear that my doc is on my side, fighting for me and helping me fight for myself. in fact, she made sure i have a copy of the consent form i had to sign acknowledging the risks of vbac, but saying i want one anyway so the hospital can't say they "lost it", just in case.

best news: she is so personally invested that she gave me her OWN phone #. she said "i don't give it out to very many people." well, yeah! but she wanted me to know that if i have a doc that is being pushy, trying to make me section or one who i am uncomfortable with i can call her personally and she will come in for me, esp. if it's a night or a weekend. seriously, how much awesomeness is that??

you cannot deny the awesomeness of my OB after all that. it is sooo nice to know that my doctor is 110% behind me and truly has my interests at heart. who wouldn't want a doctor like that? she even said "i'm excited!" and you know what? that makes me excited.

Yikes!

2010-03-04T12:11:00.000-08:00

we have a very informal preschool going on with a few kids in our ward. as i've been very uncomfortable and tired i've decided not to go anymore. fortunately a friend has been picking keith up and taking him with her son. so, this morning after he left i decided to take alexa for a walk and try to get something going. anything going. on the way back i saw 3 kids, none of which were older than 4, running around, crossing the street and playing. one, a little girl probably 2 1/2 or so, was completely naked.

i looked and looked for an adult, and as i got closer realized for sure, there was no adult out there. now, i know there are parents out there that wouldn't care about this, sadly. however, most parents in their right mind wouldn't let their kids run around alone outside, naked, on a cold day. how did they get out of the house, you ask?

apparently, the window at the front of the house was a bedroom. a child's bedroom. and the window was not only unlocked, but didn't have a screen on it. and that's right, you guessed it; they had opened up their window all the way and jumped out. they're pretty low to the ground (if you've seen the windows on the front of my house, you know).

as i got closer the little boy talked to me. i responded with, "where's your mommy? does your mommy know you're out here?" to which he replied a pretty firm yes, but i knew better. so i told him "you better go inside and tell your mommy you're out here."

fortunately, i saw him go to the window and climb inside, and i assume he did just that because when i was about 3 or 4 houses past, i heard her come out. she didn't sound too happy. and all i could think was, "yikes!"

in retrospect, i suppose i should've just knocked on the door and told her point-blank that her kids were running amok, but that didn't occur to me at the time. at least i got her attention through her crazy son.

tuckered out

2010-03-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

paul and i took a shower yesterday afternoon and shut the door on the kids. keith was watching tv and apparently alexa was so tuckered out she just dropped. this is quite unusual for her.

35 weeks, 4 days

2010-03-02T19:13:00.001-08:00

i was trying to get alexa to come to me, but she kept running away.

so close!

deflated...

2010-02-24T10:20:00.000-08:00

good news: baby A 4 lbs. 12 oz.
not quite as good: baby B 3 lbs. 12 oz.
what that means: both should be well over the 4.5 lb. mark i was hoping for by the time i deliver because it should still be a few weeks away.

bad news:
baby A is head up.
doc (specialist, not my regular) says i'm basically living in lala land wanting to try a vbac with twins. she was, in fact, rather blunt and unapologetic in her delivery of this opinion/recommendation.
she recommends a c-section be scheduled for 2.5-3 weeks from now.

okay, so that last one is kind of good too. my doctor had been saying she doesn't schedule c-sections before 39 weeks, which is quite standard for singletons, but when she said it was the same for twins, i found this rather odd and a little upsetting after everything i've read about deteriorating placentas, and other things. when i told the perinatologist this she was very clear her recommendation was for no later than 37.5 weeks. she put a big note on my chart and told me to make sure the doc was aware of her recommendation. my doc will more than likely follow it.

so, essentially, these babies should be here in three weeks at the latest.

i was rather sad after all this information leaving the doctor's office. i'm still not ready to give up hope for a vbac, but want to do what's best for the babies too.

i had paul's dad and paul give me a blessing after all this just to give me something. the only terribly comforting thing in there was the statement that i would be able to receive peace-of-mind about my decision, something i SO do not have right now, but no definite answers. I figure i've got a couple weeks to think and pray this out and find that "peace-of-mind". wish me luck.

33 weeks, 1 day

2010-02-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

The many faces of me.... hehe

left: trying to describe how to frame the photo.
right: he finally got a good smiling picture of me...too bad it's only half my belly.

left: he doesn't wait for me to finish what i'm talking about. he just starts snapping away.
right: just the belly.

left: not a bad photo. belly, smile and all.
right: paul thinks he's a photographer when he picks up the camera so i started acting like a posing model. we were both being goofy.

and just to scare you....hahaha. he caught me by surprise.

For comparison

2010-02-10T19:52:00.000-08:00

I found this in some pictures I was going through (I know, the color is atrocious), which is great cause I'd forgotten I had it. On the left, I am 40 weeks pregnant with Keith (I'm pretty sure this was exactly a week before i went into the hospital). On the right I am 32 weeks with the twins. I thought I was so big by the end with Keith, HA! Notice how small I am, but how round and chubby my face is. Suddenly, I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now.

(the comparison is actually better with the pic in the tank, but i like this one better.)

i love productive days

2010-02-06T20:30:00.001-08:00

borrowed a carpet cleaner yesterday.
moved everything out of my office and family room.
vacuumed said rooms (with new vacuum hose, *happy sigh*).
washed carpets of said rooms.
was very happy that all major stains came out.
was so excited about how good other rooms looked couldn't help but move to main living room.
vacuumed living room.
husband took rugrats to a friend's house.
cleaned living room carpets.
realized i was in pain, my hands were swollen and i had been on my feet for FAR too long.
took a relaxing shower with no kids in or even near the bathroom.
(as relaxing as can be with serious joint pains in leg/pelvis area and aching lower back/feet).
went to grocery store with hubby.
picked up super bowl necessities (drinks, chex mix, red vines--basically, sugary goodness).
went to friend's house to retrieve kids and eat dinner.
sat at said friend's house and did nothing for awhile.
came home, put kids to bed.

ahhhh.

i feel good.

33 weeks

2010-02-05T21:26:00.001-08:00

Almost there!

This is as "crafty" as I get...

2010-02-05T14:18:00.001-08:00

when i found out i was having twins i went looking around for some kind of bracelets to put on the kids to help myself and others tell them apart.

i couldn't really find what i was looking for.

i stumbled upon a bracelet making site. this isn't really what i was looking for either, but i figured it was something. i decided to make my own to see if i could do it and as a "practice" run.

i will be picking a new pattern and something that i can make in primarily one color to do a green one and a blue one. but anyway, this is the one i made yesterday for myself. i like it. sure, it's full of mistakes, but i like it anyway.

3D

2010-01-27T12:04:00.001-08:00

Babies are growing well at almost 3 lbs. each. Just a few oz. shy between them.

Doc. Woods says 34 weeks is target; anything beyond that is "gravy".

I don't worry about going into labor that early, but it's good to know what's "normal" or at least have a target.

However, target weight: 4 lbs. each.

I figure if they continue at about the rate they have between the last two appointments they should hit that 4 lb. mark around 36 weeks.

Or maybe they'll go crazy and start growing really quickly now. I can hope.

Bad news is Baby A is now head up (this explains all the kicking below the belt I've been experiencing since last week and the odd lack of feet in the ribs) and Baby B is transverse.
↑Frederick

Good news is there's still a little time and space for him to switch back I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.

Sebastian↓

Okay, so look closely at these pictures.

I know it's kind of hard to tell, what with Frederick having his hand in front of his face and all, but they look different to me.

Let's see if anyone else thinks so.

If you had to pick, which baby do you think looks like which parent?

Just for fun.

And curiosity.

31 weeks 3 days

2010-01-26T14:15:00.000-08:00

briefly, in case anyone is confused about the date/timing discrepancy between what i have on here and what my little ticker says on the side, let me explain: according to my last period i'm 31 weeks 4 days today (this was taken yesterday). according to the size of the babies and what the doctor determined i'm a week behind that. they changed my due date by a week. however, since i choose denial for the first long while of my pregnancy (who wants to lose a week?) all my pictures are dated according to my last period. so in order to keep them consistent i either have to change them all or just leave them be at a week ahead. my choice was the latter.

because i can't resist:

2010-01-25T19:34:00.001-08:00

really, how could anyone resist that?

"A brief shining moment, and then that..."

2010-01-25T18:52:00.000-08:00

yeah, it's been one of those days. Been having problems with my vacuum. took the whole thing practically apart, cleaned all the filters, found a clog low down, cleaned it out. went to use it today...still no go. went to the one place i hadn't tried: the hose. Success! i found the clog. and it was enormous.

while this isn't the greatest photo (sorry it's all washed out), and you can't really tell the size of this thing from this, trust me when i say it was very large and quite gross. i had to use water to get it out because i don't have anything to snake it with.

after some hot water and a little bit of sitting, there was a great big "plop" and there it sat. after getting it out i wanted to use my vacuum, but i didn't figure water and dirt from my carpet was a good combo unless i wanted another clog, so to speed up the process i got the bright idea of drying it out...with a hair dryer...on high.

stupid. stupid, stupid. seriously, what was i thinking??

fortunately, i got the bright idea to try bissell.com before i went out and bought a new vacuum (though it was tempting) and found the hose, and for less than $20 (with shipping). oh well, at least it wasn't a complete waste. i did get my toilet clean, my kitchen clean, and my kids and husband fed.

I need. . .

2010-01-21T16:26:00.001-08:00

a vacation. Beach anyone?

I'm so desperate, I'll take one night.

Exhausted

2010-01-20T18:44:00.000-08:00

sick of the pregnancy posts? haha, me too kinda. and yet, here i sit. =)

my body and immune system are EXHAUSTED! i've been doing so well, and not just for the last 4-5 months of this pregnancy, but really for the last 3 years or so. after years and years of getting sick at the drop of a hat and missing all the really fun stuff that was going on i finally felt like i'd reached this place where i wasn't getting everything that was going around. i attributed a lot of it to being a mother and being exposed to so many illnesses in one season from Keith that my immune system was finally doing it's job well.

i haven't had the flu for almost 3 years (not even 24 hour) and i haven't had a real cold for over a year. but, alas, all good things must come to an end, right? last month got a nasty cold. about a week and a half ago got a flu. just starting to feel better when i came down with step-like symptoms sunday night, threw up once monday morning, pink eye monday afternoon, nasty headache all through that and a lingering nausea. oh, and top of all that a baby (or babies) have decided to get very feisty and start kicking me almost constantly all a ways below the belt, almost straight down. it's kind of painful.

i really hope the next 8 weeks go quickly!! (and really hope i don't go past about 38 weeks). everyone cross your fingers for me. and, if you don't mind, send a prayer my way that i can stay somewhat healthy for the rest of the pregnancy!

Baby Names

2010-01-15T12:35:00.000-08:00

We've picked out baby names.

And as I've predicted, my mom hates them. (and I don't think Paul's parents are too crazy about them either) =)

The funniest part of it is that she uses phrases like "nobody likes that name!" which makes me laugh cause either she's making it up to try to convince me or people are lying to me.

Either way, we're both too lazy (and not good enough at this) to continue looking when we're both pretty happy with the names we've picked. They will grow on people, and hopefully (i think?) their personalities will grow to match.

Anyhoo, now you're in suspense, right?

The names right now are set to be Frederick Duncan West & Sebastian Wilde West.

The question is should we put a 'k' at the end or leave it simply Frederic? I can't decide. Any thoughts from the general population out there? What seems more natural for you if you were reading or writing it?

words of wisdom:

2010-01-12T19:25:00.001-08:00

Said to me while I was drinking a cup of water:
Keith: "Mommy, you don't have to drink the whole thing."

Mommy: "Why not?"

Keith: "'Cause then you'll have to pee."

So true my son, so true.

29 weeks 3 days

2010-01-11T20:02:00.001-08:00

No explanation necessary.

The news I've been waiting for. . .

2010-01-11T10:45:00.000-08:00

Got to see my doc this morning (for the first time since she diagnosed the twins which was 17 weeks ago!) and she said. . .drum roll please. . .VBAC is an option!

As long as Baby A is head down (which he is) and stays head down (everyone cross your fingers; he's been that way the whole time) we are good to go. Just to clarify with her I said "And that's okay with you?" And she smiled and said, "Yes."

So, yay! I at least have something concrete to go on. 10 weeks to go (or so).

Total weight gain so far: 18 lbs.