Bittersweet

You know those moments. The ones where you sit rocking your child, sleeping or just cuddling, and realize all too abruptly that you don't take these moments often enough. 

I had one of these tonight as I took the time to sit and hold Alexa before tossing her in the crib for bed. These precious moments with my little children will be gone before I know it and I wonder why I don't spend more time with them. I take for granted the fact that they're little and time moves slowly, but really, I know better. Time doesn't move slowly--it flies. I don't want to sit looking back one day wondering why I didn't take more time to just hold my babies.

When I do take those moments and those thoughts hit me it makes me want to sit forever and soak it in. It becomes very hard to let go of said child and I feel like I've been denying myself of one of the most natural relaxants ever created. I want to hold on and instead of itching for them to grow up I long for them stay little.

A Measure of Peace

So, as the pressure's been mounting while the bank account goes down and the bills go up (or at least if feels like it), it's been getting harder and harder to keep the faith. That's pretty common, I know. That is, of course, the real test of faith. It's easy to "have faith" when everything's going well and there aren't too many trials, but it's much more difficult when things are going badly. Of course, if you have lots of faith in the easy times, but it disappears during the tough periods, it wouldn't really be considered faith right?

Well, my faith is being tested. I've been doing pretty well, I think, seeing as it's been over a year since Paul lost his job and we've been living on mediocre pay and savings. But it's getting tougher, and I've been having a harder time being so "faithful". Most days, I do fine because, more than not, I simply refuse to acknowledge the possibility that we may run out of money before we find another job or another way to sustain ourselves. However, occasionally (usually after paying the bills) I get very down and realize we're on a downward slope with no end in sight.

It's been quite awhile since we've gone to the temple as a couple. I went once at about 7 months pregnant with Carolyn, and then not again for a long time. She called me last week and asked if I wanted to go Friday morning with her. I decided that would be an excellent idea since it's been much too long. Plus, it was a great birthday present, and I was really needing some clarity and perspective in my life. It was a good session, but I can't say that I had any "ah ha" moments. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough or in the right frame of mind.

I told Paul it was high time we (especially he) did a session, so we decided to go together this last Tuesday night. While we sat in the Celestial Room I asked him if he'd received any epiphanies. He said yes, but he didn't think I'd want to hear what it was.

I asked.

He told me.

Patience.

That was it. The answer he received was "be patient."

Ahhh!

I cried.

At that moment, at that place in the temple that is not what I wanted him to say. 

That was less than a week ago. However, I have found peace from that simple answer in the days since. We have talked, discussed, realized we do have options. As these options have been presented or pointed out by others, I've come to the understanding that if, in two months, we can't pay our mortgage, all is not sunk. We will not be kicked out of our house immediately, or even imminently. The Lord does indeed have a larger plan for us. I'm sure of that again. My faith has been restored, and I have found peace with our future, whatever that might be.

I needed that!

i had a great long weekend. probably one of the best in a long time. actually, it started friday, which was my birthday. carolyn and i met at the temple and did a session together while arlin and diana watched the kids. i really needed that because the last time i did a session was i think when i was about 7 months pregnant with the twins. she took me to lunch after at tahoe joe's and we chatted and had a great lunch. it's always great to see her and we don't get to see each other much since we live farther apart now.

after i finally got home around 1:30 i started thinking about getting ready to go to tulare. paul and i had tickets reserved to see the Wizard of Oz at Encore Theatre in Tulare. it was a great play and JD Casey and Kelsey Davisson did such a fantastic job. really, all the leads were great, and it was an enjoyable time. rachel was so sweet and bought me a cupcake at the theater for my birthday.

mom and chuck watched the kids while we went to the play and when we came back, there was a cake. so, i got to blow out some candles for my birthday and further ruin my diet with a piece of super rich german chocolate cake.

saturday was mostly a veg day, then paul took me out to dinner to celebrate my birthday. we had a great time and really needed the alone time. things have been kinda crazy around here with all the little kiddies we have to take care of. 

sunday was basically a regular sunday, which we both needed.

then monday, the partying began! there was a ward party at 11:00 in the church's park. we had a chili cook-off (for which i got to be a judge) and a bake-off. i submitted g-ma's rocky road fudge. it didn't win, but i didn't care, i got to eat some and it was so good! directly after we finished that shindig we headed over to the lathrop's for swimming BBQ and fun. It was such a fun, relaxing day. keith had a great time in the pool and alexa took to the water just like last year, but with even more enthusiasm! it looks like she will be my more adventurous one, at least for now. hard to say how the twins will be yet. she was unhappy when we had to take her out because her teeth were chattering. keith got in and out pretty much all day and really enjoyed himself.

i'm so excited for summer. more swimming, games, friends and fun!

i didn't see as many flags out flying as i would've like to, but I'M grateful for Memorial Day and for all the men and women that have given us a need to have Memorial Day. you are all great people and i can't thank you enough for serving me and this country.

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!!