Monday, December 27, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Christmas was nice this year. We kept is small and simple, and for the first time in three Christmases in our house we finally had Christmas morning all to ourselves. Not that I mind having family here and being elsewhere next year, but it was another special moment to be just us. It was fun watching Keith and Alexa open stockings and getting excited over things (like new underwear, hehe). Paul and I only did stockings for each other, well except the family photo collage he made for me. =) I went into Christmas with no expectations consciously or subconsciously and consequently it was a much more pleasant holiday for me than it has been for a few years. Actually, last year was quite a good Christmas,  but it was exhausting because of all that we had to do in the last week before Christmas. I was a little better prepared this year. I'm looking forward to this weekend though and the new year. I'm ready to ring in 2011.

Our cute tree. It makes me smile.

Freddy actually slept through all the ruckus. But Baz was up and happy.

Alexa had a lot of fun opening things.

Two new disney movies! yay!

Love this face.

Showing off his cape for daddy.

Oooh, fake food!


I think I know how an addict feels. It's that moment when you "fall off the wagon" and the overwhelming thought is "I thought I was doing so well, but I haven't made any progress at all!"

And it's so easy for an outsider to point out all the good things, but all you can do it shake your head and sigh, or cry and think of all the ways you should have handled it and all the things you did wrong. It's like a bad movie put on repeat in your head.

Of course that's silly to assume that one mistake, one relapse, nullifies all of the good and progress that has in fact happened, but it doesn't change the overwhelming feeling of failure. The despair and the constant "if only"s that go on in the thought process.

It's been a very bad afternoon and night. I'm drained emotionally, spiritually and physically. I need a break.

Monday, December 13, 2010


Saturday, Paul and I had yet another conversation where I ended up frustrated because I asked Paul a question and just wanted an open, honest answer and he, yet again, responded by saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Consequently, I may have had a mini rant about how I wasn't looking for something specific when I asked him a question, just wanted to know how he felt, really felt, that is.  After some time of this mini rant this conversation may have happened:

Paul: Christa, I just had an epiphany.


Me: What's that?

Paul: You want me to be honest with you.

Me: Really?! 

If only I hadn't been so obscure all these years....

Sunday, December 5, 2010

i locked the door to the shower a couple days ago. both kids were watching a movie, but inevitably alexa came in and pounded on the bathroom door wanting in. she stopped after awhile.

but then, after i got out of the shower, i opened the door to find this:

yeah, i don't know. she's a pretty quick little thing.

Love this face.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

That's a relief....or is it?

Life has been rough this last year. Made even rougher by the fact that I wasn't sure if it was really rough or I just really needed a serious attitude adjustment. Now I know--it's been rough. Not to say that I don't still need an attitude adjustment, because I can almost always benefit from one of those, but I'm slightly relieved to know that I haven't just been dramatic. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder, when is it going to get better? I think we're on a good track to make it happen, but it's going to be a process, and the length of which . . . well, that's anyone's guess. Not to mention the lack of job or even prospects. I'm ready for something good to happen!

Who's with me?