there's good news and there's bad news...

the good news is i've discovered the cleanliness/orderliness of my house has a profound effect on my mood so clean house = happy me. and it's really that simple.

the bad news is the status of my house has a profound effect on my mood.

i understand most people (if not all) experience this to some degree or another. mine is so severe as to make me either completely lazy, and put me in a funk for long periods of a time or keep me cheerful, patient and highly motivated. it's quite extreme. on the one hand, it's great to have such a simple answer for my mood. on the other hand, it's not always easy to keep my house clean with 4 little ones running around and undoing everything i do almost as fast as i undo it (sometimes faster). however, i've always had a strong desire to be clean. like really clean, and organized. and i'm discovering if i break it up it's actually not terribly hard. 


i also understand that this isn't just a "mood" thing. it is in fact my ability to recognize and feel the spirit. i'm very sensitive to presence of the holy ghost (or lack thereof) and apparently i need just the right conditions to feel his calming presence. hopefully this knowledge will be a great tool in my personal revelation as well. learning to recognize how it works for you is key, right?

so, now that i know what i'm dealing with hopefully i can use this as motivation to really keep my house clean. fortunately, my husband is very helpful in this way, especially if i make specific requests. and the kids aren't too bad at it either if i'm specific with them as well and reward them according to their efforts. i wish i were more unflappable, but sadly it seems that i am not. oh well. i'm learning to make things work for me. that's a start.

delayed reaction

i've noticed in life that i seem to have a delayed reaction to a lot of life's big events. i always think i'm okay and that maybe something's wrong with me, but then "it", whatever "it" is, seems to hit me later, at about the time that the rest of the world is starting to come to terms. it happened to me again today. today is the last day of the first week of school. because of the craziness of the drop-off i've been getting out and escorting keith to class, or halfway to class still trying to figure out where he's supposed to be, where he waits when he's early (because he can't go wait in class, and going to the playground is out too since he's in K so not on the regular playground). after 4 days of this, i figured today he was ready and had been to class enough to get there himself. so, i pulled through the bus zone, let him out, watched him walk to the cafeteria and drove away. 


woah! that was my moment. suddenly i thought "wow, he's so big! he's doing this by himself now. and he's totally okay." i shed a little tear inside today. on the one hand i'm happy drop-off will be so much easier this year and i don't have to haul the other three around, plus, he's getting a little more fun and interesting every day, on the other hand i'm a little sad that keith is big enough to do it alone now. but, i'm sure having fun watching him grow up. :)

every now and then....

it would be nice to say/do the right thing at the right time. i'm so sick of looking back and saying "why did i say/do that? what was wrong with just staying silent or saying the first thing that came to my mind which was innocent instead of having to come up with a stupid 'comeback'?" ugh. i have to believe there's hope as i learn from each past experience. this time i even thought for quite some time before i spoke and STILL said the wrong thing. it's hard to overcome years of conditioning i guess. 

but, i'm working on it.

limbo

we've been in limbo for the last 2+ years basically, and yet, we've now reached a new level of limbo. it's such an odd feeling to be 99% certain that we're moving, but not know ANY details such as when, where, why. it could be in a month, it could be in six. it could be in a year. it's actually kind of frustrating. i'd like to start packing up, and yet at the same time without knowing any details i don't want to risk packing up things that we will need in the next several months. i wish i had some answers. ANY answers. it's like playing a particularly difficult game of clue. no matter what you do it takes certain amount of time to get to the end, except in this game i have no idea how long it will be before all the pieces fall into place and it will most likely happen all at once instead of one clue at a time.

home sweet home

we had great vacation for the most part. we got to go to utah for the first time in 1.5 years and go to the west family reunion for the first time in 5 years, i think. that's a long time. but, as grandma west turned 95 this year it seemed monumentally important to make the trek whether we could really afford it or not, because really, in the long run, won't the memories be more important than the things we couldn't buy because of the money spent going? sometimes, i have to remind myself that, though as we go along.


tuesday we got to take family pictures. paul's cousin is a great photographer and she offered to take pictures when we were at the family reunion. it's been a little while so i said yes. the location was amazing and it was a lot of fun even with uncooperative kids. but i guess that's life at this age, right?


paul spent all day wednesday going to construction companies and handing in resumes in person. unfortunately though alexa got sick tuesday. i thought she was over it, but then she spend a good portion of the night throwing up. . .and then baz joined her. ugh. i really hope something good comes of all this work paul's been putting in because he's been working really long hours at work trying to catch up and he's been working hard while in utah for two days on finding a job. just feels like i haven't seen him for such a long time.


on the bright side, while he was out wednesday, i got to see a friend i haven't seen in about 8 years. we were friends when we were kids before she moved to UT. it was so great to see her! it's weird that we're all grown up and have kids of our own and such. when did all that happen?


we were supposed to go camping with liss and nate, but because kids got sick all over we decided that probably wasn't a great idea. i felt so bad. :( i really wanted to go, but it just wasn't possible this time. thursday paul had an interview with a local cable company. i don't think he'll probably get the job, but it was good for him to have an interview. 


friday we took a hike up above sundance. it was great fun. the kids did such a great job on a relatively tough hike for such short little legs. keith really enjoyed getting really close to the waterfall and being in the wind and spray. he thought it was so cool. friday night we did a little home camping. we roasted marshmallows over jen and paul's fire pit and then made smores. the kids thought it was great fun and we really enjoyed it too. we even slept outside in tents. it was great family fun.


we left for home last night. got home today at 7:30 AM. it was a pretty quick and uneventful drive, fortunately. we didn't really want to come home, but we did have a great time while we were there. i wish i had pictures, but i suck at being on top of things like that. i'm such a loser.  at least i have my memories and hopefully we'll get to do things like we did again maybe even next summer.

i feel amazing

wow, between working really hard to clean my house and keep it clean, exercising (and losing just a little weight at the same time) and feeling the positive winds of change i feel so good lately! i love this feeling, and i wish it could last. of course, that's not the way it works so i will enjoy it while it lasts.


on a different, but related, note. i've been reading dr. john gray's "men are from mars, women are from venus" book. i started reading the chapter entitled "women are like waves" and thought "well, that's just silly. i mean, sure maybe some women, but i don't think i really rise and fall like that." however, as i got further into the chapter and read some of the examples of ways we, as women do this and really thought about my past behavior i began to realize that that is me. wow. on the one hand i felt so silly and arrogant for dismissing it so quickly and on the other hand i felt a little better realizing that i wasn't suffering from selective depression but that it's actually a very normal cycle of feelings for women. what a great book! everyone in a relationship needs to read this. it's like a "man to woman" dictionary and vice versa. so to anyone who has said "(wo)men should come with a manual so i can understand them!" this book is it. sure, it won't solve all relationship problems, but it should help make some serious improvements in the communication department which should help everywhere else.