I was talking to my sister Becky online tonight and she asked how I've been doing. My last blog was quite a "downer" and it was clear I was having a hard time dealing with the news. We started talking and I decided I should share some of the thoughts I've had and some of the conclusions I've come to. These last few days have been quite tough for me. It is heartbreaking and disturbing to learn that someone you so admired and looked up to could so something so awful and degrading to himself and others. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this the last few days. Mostly because something like this doesn't just go away or float to the back of your mind. It's been an interesting few days, and though I wish this kind of thing on no one, and I hate that this had to happen, at least I can say that I, personally, have become just a little better through it.
It's amazing to me that even from the beginning of this, though my emotions have ranged from outright shock and disbelief so sorrow, almost no where in that range of emotions have I felt anger. At least not to the individual who committed such unspeakable crimes. I have to admit, I have felt anger towards Satan. Anger that he's laughing, anger that it's so easy for him, anger at the people on this earth who really are bad people through and through, who choose to be his servants and seek to destroy others. However, all I've really felt for Ray is pity and sorrow and some personal disappointment. I understand now, just a LITTLE bit more how the Savior feels for us. I can understand how he can "love the sinner" while "hating the sin". Don't get me wrong, what he did was beyond wrong, and I would never defend his behavior, but I can love him while still hating what he did.
Something else that I've been thinking about is that it amazes me that there are really very few inherently "bad" or inherently "good" traits. In fact, I would venture so far as to say that every personality trait we were born with was for good. We have learned to use those traits in a bad way, or associate them with bad things. There are some that are just bad, but most traits, I believe, were given to us to help us, not hinder us. For example, things that we usually think of as bad like stubbornness or being critical. We can be stubborn in living the gospel. Now, when it's something like that we probably wouldn't call it stubbornness, but being "stalwart" or "unyielding" and those are great things to be! Being critical is essential to living the gospel, especially in these times we live in. We must be critical about the things we let ourselves (and our children) do and watch and listen to. But, it can become dangerous when we're critical of other people. Curiosity, the thing that got him into trouble I think, is a great thing to have. It leads us to knowledge, to enlightenment, and people to the gospel. But, it can also lead us down very dark and addictive paths. And that's the most dangerous because we can never satisfy our curiosity about dark things because there's always more to be curious about. The level of curiosity is ever increasing and it becomes impossible to stop; then, of course, habits (and addictions) are formed and it's not about curiosity anymore, but it's too late to go back.
Basically, though it's been a tough week (or however long it's been. I can't even remember anymore because my perception of time is so screwed up waiting for this baby to get here!) it has been a good week too. I'm grateful to know that there's always hope. And I'm grateful to have a new perspective. This, strangely, has made it just a little easier for me to "love the sinner and hate the sin".
On a side note (kind of) if you haven't read the "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, I recommend it. It's extremely enlightening and provides a rare perspective. Also, the book "The Peacegiver" by James L. Ferrell. It is one I think should be read every few months to remind us. It explains how the atonement is for the victim just as much as the perpetrator. Read it. I think you will be pleasantly surprised and enlightened.
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